- He’s as bored as a geologist on the open sea.
- Smart as a monkey with a mass spectrometer.
- He doesn’t know a cetacean from a cephalopod.
- That’s as much fun as a fragile rectal thermometer.
- They were as claustrophobic as astronauts in a cave.
- He was as happy as a geneticist in a bucket of histones.
- He couldn’t tell a quantum effect from an elephant fart.
- She was as nervous as a psychologist at a psychiatric convention.
- That’s as easy as finding a Higgs boson.
- She was as cute as pi.
- They were just like two P’s in a phosphorus chain.
- He was shaking like a chemist with a bag of acetone peroxide.
- He was as helpless as a mathematician wearing mittens.
- She was lost like a cartographer in a cavern.
- Happy as a horticulturist in a seed bag.
- As disgusted as an astronomer in an astrology shop.
- About as logical as a computer scientist on LSD.
- It was as palpable as dark matter.
- Frowning like a bishop with a mouthful of stem cells.
- As trustworthy as a meteorologist on vacation.

How many dead light bulbs does it take before a global warming denialist changes one? Ha! Everybody knows that light bulbs never burn out.

Global warming is more serious than terrorism. Unless a terrorist explodes in your café, then the extra degree or two doesn’t matter so much.

The good news: Only parts of New Jersey will be flooded by the rising ocean. The bad news: There are parts of New Jersey that won’t be flooded.

The bad news for some Pacific islands: in a few decades they’ll be under water. The good news is that they can open hotels for scuba divers.

Tuvalu Island: A new colony for global warming denialists.

It’s a good thing the Earth is warming slowly. Like if the glaciers only melt an inch a year, governments will have time to respond.

One clever denialist decided we could end global warming by switching all temperatures from Fahrenheit to Celsius.

…I guess you were right about the not being funny part.

“When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”

However, it is in the nature of dead horses that their passing is not always readily acknowledged. This is particularly true for people working in government, corporate bureaucracies, academic pursuits, or politics. Other strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Requisitioning an electric whip complete with battery, solar powered recharger, replaceable whip ends, and insulated handle.
2. Start the hiring process for new riders, which will require the formation of one or more committees and up to a year for evaluation.
3. Appoint a committee to study the horse, after a report has been prepared by several outside consultants recommending the topics to be studied.
4. Arrange for visits to several countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Prepare a brief and submit it to an appropriate legislative body requesting that dead horses be reclassified as living-impaired.
6. Outsource the horse to foreign riders, specifying that a report on its condition be submitted weekly.
7. Experiment with linking several dead horses to test the hypothesis that more horsepower increases speed in a linear manner.
8. Request that an environmental impact study be made of the dead horse, covering such topics as energy savings, local fertilization, food-chain supply, and potential bacterial propagation.
9. Review and revise as appropriate the performance requirements for all horses.
10. Issue a PR release stating that while the horse appears dead, it may, in fact, be sleeping or just partially dead. Emphasize that it will take time before a final evaluation can be made.
11. Develop an application to a foundation or research organization for a project that will evaluate methods for increasing a dead horse’s performance.
12. Seek funding for an equine revitalization program, going to so far as to delve into infrastructure support and basic research concerning cellular revivification.
13. Task numerous employees with conducting a productivity study concerning the lowered cost of maintenance for dead horses; whether lighter riders would improve performance; how much lack of movement relieves traffic congestion, and whether management’s time need be expended for a dead horse.

If all else fails, acknowledge the horse is dead, but immediately launch a marketing campaign for a new horse that resembles the dead horse in all respects, but of course, rebranded.

He dreamed he had died…and gone to heaven. (Yes, that would be a surprise to everyone.) However, heaven wasn’t what he’d envisioned, or even read about in the Economist. For one thing, it wasn’t awesome and well lit. Instead there was an amorphously very large area full of people, all waiting to get into heaven proper. Millions upon millions of people, waiting with nothing to do but look at each other, converse, and meditate. Those without relevant skills found this difficult, including Bill Gates, but unlike software there were no other options.

Occasionally a being with wings would make its way through the throng, carrying a clipboard. After Bill had waited several weeks, one of the beings came to him. His face, instead of being celestial, was scarred by acne. He was wearing a T-shirt, dark blue with gold lettering that spelled TEAM PETER. The effect was holographic but vague, as if it had been a good idea when somebody brought it up in a meeting.

“Hello.” The voice was bored. It could have been the voice of any typical customer service representative. “My name is Gabriel and I will be your guide, or more specifically, induction coordinator.” Bill was about to raise a question, but he was cut off – “Not the Archangel Gabriel. You don’t see any stupid horn do you? I was a Gabriel from Philadelphia. Now, your name – last name first, unless you’re Chinese.” The tone was peremptory.

“Gates, Bill.” Gabriel began flipping pages on his clipboard. While he fumbled, Bill recovered his usual assertive mode: “What is this? Why are all these people here? I’ve been waiting weeks! Where’s Saint Peter?”

Without answering, Gabriel continued his search. Finally he said, “Ah – your record of Earthly Works. Impressive! Things are looking pearly for Mr. Gates!” Gabriel did indeed look pleased, but his tone changed again, “However, it shows here that you were CEO of a very large software company. There are very few of you here, you know.” Looking directly upward, Gabriel sighed, “There must be a Reason.”

Gabriel continued, “You see all these people, Mr. Gates? Do you think Peter can meet them all personally? I think not.”

“I guess not,” Bill replied.

“Peter decided it was time to sub-contract. We call it Team Peter Enterprises, and I am a franchisee. We never see Peter, of course, he just sets policy.” Gabriel studied a paper on the clipboard. “Considering your history, it’s surprising but your credentials are in order. With your background, I suspect you will get a plum job assignment.”

Somewhat stunned at the thought of working in Heaven, Bill stammered, “Job assignment?”

Gabriel looked at Bill as if he were a puppy that had just pooped on the carpet. “Of course! What did you think? That you’d sit on your ass sipping ambrosia all day? Heaven is a big operation. As in the memo from Saint Ayn, everyone has to pull their own weight!” With that, Gabriel put a triplicate form on top of the clipboard and pulling a pencil from under his right wing motioned to Bill. “Sign here.” After signing, Gabriel pulled out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. “Take this and proceed to the induction center for Gate 309b. Look for your occupational specialist, his name is Abraham.” Bill started to open his mouth, but Gabriel waved him off, “Not that Abraham.”

No sooner had Gabriel departed than Bill found himself already standing before Gate 309b. He decided the speed of transport was a rich feature of Heaven. However, it was another six hours before he met with Abraham. His frustration must’ve shown on his face. Even before he could speak, Abraham said, “Obviously Heaven is centuries behind in its data processing.” He pointed to the paper in Bill’s hand, “We’re still using paper. We have a Directive from on High, of course. Have had it forever – to streamline the processing, but the rate of dying is unprecedented.”

Abraham put a finger to his head, as if thinking or perhaps receiving a message. “Ah. Which brings me to why you are here at this heavenly gate. You are to supervise the new Heavenly Data Processing Center or HDPC. It will be the largest computing facility outside creation, much bigger than anything operated by Google. Whatever you can imagine – a billion computer server farm, fully fault-less, instant communications, completely distributed – at your service as you see fit, the Works.”

Bill jumped up and down for excitement, though up and down are not fully sanctioned in Heaven. “Awesome! What a great job! This is really Heaven!!”

Abraham said, “The center is nearly finished. Would you like to see it now?” As Bill nodded, he was already there. He blinked. He rubbed his eyes. The glare from millions of computer screens faced him like an endless brilliant cloud, but that wasn’t what assaulted his eyes. Every single one of the computers was unmistakably an Apple.

“Not one PC,” he croaked. The thought of spending eternity tending to Apple products filled him with dread. “What about Windows?”

“You are forgetting something,” said Abraham.

Bill was afraid to ask, “What?”

“This is Heaven, where everything must run smoothly – heavenly. Just as specified to Saint Steven. If you want a data center using PCs and Windows, well…you can GO TO HELL!”

This was a dream that Bill did not even relate to Melinda.

[Adapted from an HTML version by Omri Weisman]

Drug Dealers:
…..Computer Software Industry:
1. Refer to clients as ‘users.’
…..1. Refers to clients as ‘users.’
2. “The first one is free!”
…..2. “Download a free trial version!”
3. Use lots of jargon: ‘stick,’ ‘rock,’ ‘dime bag.’
…..3. Use strange jargon: ‘bits and bytes,’ ‘RTFM,’ ‘Java.’
4. Exploit the 14-25 year-old market.
…..4. Exploits the 14-25 year-old market.
5. Provide newer, more potent designer mixes.
…..5. Constantly updating and adding potent features.
6. Employ pushers, pimps, and hustlers.
…..6. Employ salesmen, marketers, and lawyers.
7. Products cause addictions.
…..7. Online porn, computer games (’nuff said).
8. Muscle into market monopoly.
…..8. Competitive goal: Market monopoly.
9. Cut product quality for profit.
…..9. Cut product quality for profit.
10. Customer service: You want what?
….10. Customer service: Is it that you are wanting of something?

- Look for a belt buckle, pendant, or bola tie clip with inlaid stones (not gems).
- They tell you their kid’s names and they are all like Beryl, Jade, Rocky, or Jewel.
- They make jokes using the words ‘gneiss’ or ‘cleavage.’
- You see them examining the salt in a salt shaker.
- They mention that their web site has pictures of some rock specimen.
- They talk about vacations in U.S. states like Utah and Arizona to visit formations.
- They touch and feel the exterior walls of stone buildings.
- They admit to having seen the movie Armageddon more than once.
- You say “I walked on the beach.” and they ask “What kind of sand: Fine, medium, or coarse?”
- They show you a ‘pet rock’ they have in their pocket (or worse, they fondle one absentmindedly).
- They are wearing markedly scuffed and dusty street shoes.

Forever Flywheel Every laboratory and science classroom needs one of these. As a talisman or juju symbol, nothing beats a “Forever Flywheel” the only PMM (perpetual motion machine) ever briefly acknowledged by the AAAS. It’s the perfect reminder for science and technology workers – get up to speed and keep going, and going, and going. The “Forever Flywheel” is smaller than most, but coated with a gold nanoparticles to create a sheen that makes the motion seem ever so much more perfect. Price: $29.95 (batteries not included).

Naked Singularities One of a kind offer: Cleaned up to limit fatal attraction, these naked singularities are not only visible but almost harmless. Somewhat nebulous in shape and form, they are nonetheless detectable. We don’t deliver the actual singularity, but detailed instructions will be given for their location (via discreet URL) – ready for instant pickup by any 6” astronomical telescope or greater. Price: negotiable (starting at $299).

Junk DNA Remember the days when you could buy a sack of mixed stamps from around the world for a buck? Or remember getting a bingo prize in a brown paper bag that was full of stuff cleaned out from somebody’s basement? Well for the biologist in the family, this is even better. It’s a two-can cooler full of junk DNA – that irritating stuff lodged among the useful genes, ready for pointless assay and fictitious correlation. (Genetic sequencer not included.) Price per cooler: $49.95 (with ice – $55.95).

The Book of Null Vectors This book is not what you think. Before you head off in the wrong direction in your life, consult this book. It knows about the wrong way to go with everything. The author, (signed only by the name Minkowski), seems well aware of the need to start somewhere, even if that seems to be nowhere at all. The book is full of good advice on how to seek balance and grounding, even when it seems like nothing in your life is ever coordinated. Price: $9.99 (99 pages, hardbound)

Occam’s Razors Forget the Bic or Schick – this razor separates the men from the boys. If you ever find yourself on the horns of a dilemma, cut to the chase: Look yourself in the mirror and use Occam’s Razor. It’s wicked sharp but applied with a gentle touch the fuzz of indecision just drops away. Occam’s Razor is simple to use, in fact it never needs blades as the cutting edge is self-sharpening. For the scientists or deep thinkers on your list, this is the perfect solution for those knotty gift giving problems. Price: $19.98

Mobius’ Strips Ever heard the one about the chicken crossing the Mobius’ strip? Neither had we, but when we came into several boxes of these loopy beauties, we decided they were perfect for birthday cards, holiday notes, and dear-John letters – the gift that keeps on giving. If you buy a pack of 100 we guarantee endless hours of fun. They come in two grades of paper – rag stock (these are blank and made from recycled clothing) and papyrus (these have a few symbols at the mid-point and appear to be very old). Price: $99.99 (rag paper); $199.99 (papyrus).

Quantum Dots Decorate your room with quantum dots! Of course, you’ll need a lot of them – we sell them by the gram, which is a few trillion give or take. The dots come dyed in various stunning fluorescent colors, so if you have the patience (and an electron beam lithography device), you can arrange them in an almost unlimited number of shapes and configurations. Some of these dots are used, so we can’t guarantee their semiconducting properties – but if you’re really ambitious, you could be the first in your neighborhood to have the brilliant lighting of a quantum dot display. [Note: Many of our less expensive quantum dots are manufactured in Poland, however, please do not try to special order them as polka dots.] Price: $1,099.99 (per gram).

Used Astrology Textbooks Choose from our unbelievably extensive collection! A Students’Textbook of Astrology, Vedic Astrology Textbook, Modern Textbook of Astrology and many more! Most of these are in top condition, only slightly used. Because supplies are unpredictable, we ship each title by random selection, to make sure you get what you pay for. If you’re buying one or more for school, be sure to check the requirements as some texts haven’t been updated since the 12th century. Please specify if you want the English or Sanskrit version (a few books also available in Latin). Price: $ 0.99 – $1.99.

Pi Edible math symbols created by a small company in up-state New York. Most of the Greek alphabet is represented (missing Alpha and Omega). Pi are squared bits of cookies and have the letters embossed on the top surface. They come packed about100 to a box, although some may be slightly damaged, a few others are over-baked. Each letter has its own flavor, except pi, which comes in an assortment of flavors. Some of the flavors are obscure, but delicious in their own way. A delightful party appetizer (for the right crowd), you can keep people guessing about the flavors until the box is gone (the empty set). Price: $4.99 (per box).

[When ordering with foreign currency, we will convert the amount to dollars. We’re not taking any damn Euros this year.]

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

#1. Answer: It thought it would be illuminating.

#2. Answer: To get to the nearest phone.

#3. Answer: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

#4. Answer: It cannot be proved whether the chicken crossed the road.

#5. Answer: Crossing the road was the path with the minimum value of propagation time.

#6. Answer: To keep up with current events.

#7. Answer: She crossed the road to radiate her enthusiasm.

#8. Answer: To observe the effect on passing cars.

#9. Answer: It didn’t. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.

#10. Answer: Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on the other side.

#1. Thomas Edison
#2. Alexander Graham Bell
#3. Aristotle
#4. Kurt Gödel
#5. Pierre de Fermat
#6. Andre Ampere
#7. Marie Curie
#8. C.J. Doppler
#9. Jean Foucault
#10. Karl Gauss

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

The tech stared at the paper. Then he remembered the specific instructions.
All passwords must be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.